My Transition Diary

(Thanks to Callie, @comradecallie on Twitter for inspiration to do this article..)
I wanna talk about my complete journey of coming out of as a trans. I talk about it a lot here in there, but I want this one to be compherhensive.
My motivation is to help fellow questioning people, break some transmisic arguments along the way and discuss the concept of dysporia itself. Now we go to the beginning
In my early childhood, I was more or less free of gender stereotypes. I took up quite after about my elder brother as we spent time together a lot, but I didn't learn them in a gendered way.
I liked most of the toys I had, from toy cooking sets to toy soldiers and tanks. I happily played with dolls with my niece, although I never wanted for myself because I preferred small and vague toys that is eaier on imagination.
Until I started primary school I didn't know much about gender stereotypes. I knew boys and girls wore differently, but even then I didn't tie apperance to gender in anyway.
In cold days, my mom made me wear tights under my pants. It also helped my elder brother grew his hair long at the university.
I was neutral to most clothes. But I liked skirts quite a bit, even if I didn't actively desire them.
But I liked one kind of clothing a lot: Long socks, up to knee high, or even longer. I have even slept with them sometimes. I like having nice, smooth looking legs.
This happens on 8-9 years old, keep in mind. I have felt really good about my appearance, its memory is still vivid in me. I don't know where exctly I got themm though? Sports players, girls at school, Not sure?
Sometimes later, I gave up doing it. I wasn't repressed to doing so, but I always got my behavior influenced by people around me fairly easily. It coincidences with the time I got introduced to real gender stereoytpes.
"Boys shouldn't hit the girls", I didn't get it. I even got into fight with a girl at 3rd grade. I never saw them differently. Most gender stuff didn't make sense and this feeling was only going to get stronger in time.
It was also the time, I started to spend my time with boys more frequently. I was open to friendship with both boys and girls, but I guess it was other boys who preferred to talk with me most of the time.
This only got increased as times on. I played video games a lot, I liked violent stuff. And girls talked about appearance and gossiped a lot, which I didn't care. So I grew farther and farther from them as I grew up.
This is why I find gender-dysporia questions like "Did you play with opposite sex toys" "Did you talk with girls a lot" downright useless. I didn't loaded any gendered meaning on them.
If you told me who I was I would say "I was a boy", but it didn't have any meaning to me besides drawing stick figures in a certain way (girls got two antenass, signifying ribbons on head).
I never felt too much about gender, like in general. I liked violent stuff, but I watched a lot of cartoons oriented around girly stuff too. And Barbie movies. TOO MANY Barbie movies. (Ok they are fine as stright to DVD cartoons goes.)
So liking stereotypically gendered things is a null arguement to me, and also for a lot of people I feel. I wasn't under heavy coercion, I just did stuff I liked without caring. It's impossible to be coercion free under patriarchy, but I was relatively free.
I have even had my plushie rabbit and bear until I was in high-school and only had to part with them because mom said they were becoming too dirty. My favourite Digiom has been Lilymon for example (lilymon pic)
I had one more connection with girlhood though, an imaginary girl. I imagined about a lot of stories with her as the main character, imagined by the shows I have watched. I think *this* was my main inspiration. She started to resemble how I look and how I wanted to be personally. [jeanne pic]
Then middle school came and I entered into the puberty, which means I was now a ball of horniness and confusion. Now everything related about girls felt me so weirdly, and sweaty. And my masturbations felt different too. Btw, I started to masturbate at 4 years old
(Sex talk here)But I have never did that normal way. I tucked my penis with my finger, then rubbed over a bed, usually while hugging and putting hea on a pillow. And I have never actually touched my penis nakedly, always over clothes.
So, with my friends' influence, I have been introduced to.. beating off. I tried it, but felt so weird. Actually touching my penis felt so awkward, as it still kinda does. My sex fantasies almost have never included my own penis in it. I was incredibly suprised how popular this method was.
Another suprise was.... porn of course. And I still didn't get the deal. This is more about my demisexuality in retrospective, it's relevant here for a reason: I tried being into the porn, a lot too, up until university years, only a few of them made me feel something.
Things were even worse about female sexuality too. I didn't know what vagina really is. Because I have born prematurely, I thought babies came from stomach for a long long amount time. I didn't know what sex was besides faint images on porn.
But sure I was a big talk. Lots of sexual jokes, innuendos, swears, talking about how big my penis is (I was lying to myself about how I as feeling ), how hot girls are, trying to learn and be knowlegdable on everything related to sex. I was wanting to become like other boys, see.
This didn't end there, I tried to imitate boys in other ways too. The most obvious one was football. In my early years, I didn't cared much about it. But here I was trying to play in matches despite being terrible, closely following football events, trying to learn all about it.
In high school, overt-masculine culture and my nerdiness has only been amplififed. In retrospective, I was becoming even more genderless. I cared less and less about my appearance, and felt more and more apathetic towards my body. Except body hair, I hated them as soon as they appeared. They felt completely outlandish.
I now understand this because despite all my efforts, I didn't actually become more masculine. Male appearence styles and fashion didn't piqued my curiosity even a little bit. I was apahtetic about getting any muscles, football was still boring, "men" still felt empty.
After I started university, the close-knit overtly masculine community was a thing of the past, I become secluded and lonely. Their influences over me waned in just a couple of months. I was closer to my true self.
Yet still too far...
This is why TERF arguement about "how trans women are male socialized" is complete rubbish. I eagerly tired to be socialized like a male, it fails horribly, all it does it makes you more apathetic towards yourself.
At university, I have become truly Extremely Online. I was reading a lot of TV tropes and wasting time in some forums. It actually helped me learn about GSRM people quite a bit. The threatment of them over their simple desires felt so unfair. That quite shook me up.
Such as when I witnessed a trans person for the first time. It was a Starcraft match. And in the comments all they talked about was how player was actually "A HE, A MAN" I didn't understood what's goin on, It felt so unncesarily hateful, "Why bother so mucch over others?" I thought.
I was slowly embracing my more girlier interests, even though seeing them gendered was still weird.
My imaginary "girlfriend" looked more fairy like, with wings and stuff. And scenarios included stuff like breaking fom a coccoon to gain magic and cute butterfly wings. (Bless my exteremely vivid daydreams)
This happened most clearly on video games, as I started to play so much of them? If you told me what's your college experience was, I'd say video games, heh.
Whenever I played as a female character it felt great, such as in Elder Scrolls. When people referred to me as "she","lady","mistress","mother" it felt so... satisfying. But I didn't question why.
When I was playing Pokemon, I just loved the cute outfits of the girls, notnly seeing them, but playing as them felt... so right. Heck even in a game like Europa Universalis 4, it felt weirdly exicting when rulers were women.
"Oh, I play as women because I like to see them on screen, also I like when women are empowered and do cool stuff, because I am good Ally, that's why." Sure, little egg, sure.
Unlike trans women I didn't enjoy gender-bending stuff or anything like that. Things related to gender itself didn't resonate with me in the slightest.
Such as cross-dressing. Sure, I liked the idea men wearing cute clothes, but why it has to be special thing?
I really didn't like "opposite sex" thing even before I discovered non binary, I always detested when people went like "boys like this, girl like that" It felt so exclusionary.
I just wanted to be a "femboy", though I didn't knew about the term, I knew I wanted to be cute and feminine with with my imaginary girlfriend(She was on my mind more than 15 years now). Not that I had any connection to being a man, "well, i have penis, i am man guess", i thought. Was there any other alternative.
I mentioned how I cannot relate to the non binary before, but that's wasn't entirely true at all. I didn't think about this stuff too extensively but "agender" was much more close to how I feel than "a man". If I didn't get exposed to trans people on Twitter, I could stay like that my entire life probably, maybe, not sure.
Eventually, I was here. Seeing people calling themselves "trans women","non-binary","gender-fluid", weird pronouns. But I liked how welcoming and acceptng people were, they didn't judge each other, they cared.
Trans women started to feel so relatable. "Girls clothes are so cute.", "Ugh body hair", "It would be nice to be like this anime girl", "I love lesbians being cute uwu", "pink-pilling". I looked up the effects of HRT and they seemed nice
Except there was one problem
Trans women also talked regularly about how they hated their body, thinking made them crying, depressive, How much they want to be pregnant, how too tall they are, felt like this since childhood, etc.
But that wasn't me... I didn't have "dysporia". I just wanted to wear cute clothes and be gentle. That wasn't like the feeling of "being a woman inside". I had no proof about that. So I sticked to femboy once again.
Of course, femboys are totally valid, but that wasn't me either. It was something I have used because I was extremely scared. "I wasn't trans, I don't want to appopriate them, trans is painful, I just wanna have fun."
Something changed. In "You are valid posts", "there is no single way of being trans", "you don't need dysporia", unusual transition experiences I slowly gained courage.
But total egg braker was threads about "you can be a just girl if you want to." After I thinking about myself a lot, I have finally come out.
To all who write saccarine validation posts, those who shared their experiences, those who didn't gatekeep, those who said "if you want to be x, you are x". I cannot thank you enough, I love you all!
It is incredibly important to analyze one's personal complex feelings and thoughts. There is no streamlined "dysporia" experience, everyone is trans in their unique way. It doesn't have to be painful.
But retrospectivel coming out was still more like an experiment. I day-dreamed and day-dreamed about myself, how if I did turn into a woman. Even every day, I warmed up to the idea a little more.
I thought I didn't care, but people calling me "woman","girl","she" felt super nice. Everyday I was a little more sure about being a girl.
The imaginary girl in my head... was me. I was able to made peace with that. This was extremly critical to completely embrace my identity. Suddenly, feminine boy had gone too, there was only me, the girl me, the real me.
My lovely girlfriend @radikvalrossen was also incredibly helpful for finding myself and my validation. I learned so much from her, she made me feel like a real woman so often, her gigantic gayness alone validated me. Soo, thanks Alessie.
Then weird things started to happen. Things related to being a man felt more and more outlandsh and annoying. Sometimes I was completely aloof to my body as before but now there was moments of disgust and extreme satisfaction.
It is as if my dysporia came out to surface from somewhere deep, along with the euphoria and they became more dominant over being null towards my own body. I don't exactly hate my body itself still, I can be just super annoyed at certain parts. I don't hate my penis for example, but I want a vagina a lot.
Being pretty closeted affects me in that too I think. Even smallest acts of being feminine can give me small doses of euphoria. I mentioned silly things like writing curvaisive or getting the role of a woman in a converstaion practice.
And no, it is not sterotypical. This is femininity I defined and want for myself.
I like being tall for example. I don't like accesories and too much make up. Having small boobs and hips would be fine for me. Having a cute vocie would be great, but not a dealbreaker. I don't care about pregnancy too much. I don't see any of them as making me less feminine.
Euphoria is also not releted to sexual satisfaction, this arguement is so terrible. Cis people of course cannot understand. Just like if you always had your meals regularly, you wouldn't get starvation. This isn't a fetish drop this.
The thought of sex with my girlfriend can make me euphoric, but I can be also euphoric when people find me cute and feminine. This isn't related to looks either. Being a ugly woman is far better for me than being a handsome man.
But even if my face was rounder, I had long hair, I didn't have body hair, my voice was high-pitched and I wore feminine clothes. I don't want to have a testosterone filled body. Even outside of it's effects thinking about estrogene feels nice.
Of course, reducing transness to hormonal imbalance is terribly wrong too. Someone is not less trans without HRT. This is why people should able to freely get hormones. People can find diffrent levels of hormones just right for themselves.
Stop trying to streamline transness. Yes, it's messy. It can be tied to appearance, aesthethics, behavior, hormones, sex, asomething random, etc. There is no single way of being trans, no one is truly able to decide someone's gender but themselves. You can't question their transmess either.
Back to the journey. As I old self became more and more of a stranger. It felt more like a lie, an illusion I truly understood wht trans people "kill" their old names now. Once again, it's not being stereotypical, it's people finding themselves.
Finally, I choose my name, Umay. I talked more deeply about here:

https://twitter.com/NyxWorldOrder/status/928734973347160065
It feels so nice, when people call me that. Even after months.
So yeah, that's how my transition starts. My next objective is not being in extreme closet, being able to shave my body and being able to wear cute clothes, even if only at home. Even that would allivate me a lot.
Don't get me worng. I want HRT more than quite a lot. But at least I could be able to patiently wait it, or if it will take years, wait for obtaining enough money for self-medicate.
But right now, I am not even sure I could escape closet at all. I am working towards being able to go abroad, but why it had to be this way.
I could give so much to my parents to accept me, try to call me daughter and with my name, freely wearing as I would like at home or even buying clothes with my mom.
I don't even want them to do anything about HRT. I just want to be able to not lie to them. I don't care about strangers, but aganist them this can be so exhausting.
But I can't come out. I am too scared. Lying is painful but I can't handle rejection. As long as I have to live with them, I cannot do it.
I am so sorry. There are trans people with so much worse problems, regular depression, not being able to be at all. And here, I am whining about having to lie about it. I even feel guity about complaining while being all privledged.
But at the same time I am so jealous of trans people who have accepting families and freely transition too. It's a wonderful thing, I shouldn't feel anything negative, yet I am, I am so sorry.
I am sorry for ending this thread in a downer tone to, but nothing certain now. I need to earn enough money to live independently, I am slowly becoming a better programmer, yet still, everything seems so uncertain.
But maybe I will be able to get out of this mess before ending 2018. I want it, hopefully I will be able to. If I can, this article will be expanded
Writing this thread made me think yourself a lot more and I now I have a small genderless side in me, I decided to embrace it instead of acting full binary girl. So I am demi girl now. This is mostly personal and calling me a girl just fine but yea I have a enby side.