The Girl of My Dreams

I don't know when or how exactly she came to existence. But with my estimation, it was around when I was five, certainly before I started school. I think her appearance was somewhat based in a character from Pokémon anime.

Her appearance changed a lot of course. Usually she wore gowns, skirts, sun dresses, whatever cute clothes I saw or read about. Sometimes she had blonde, blue, pink hair but her hair was predominantly black. Her eye color too; it changed between blue, green, silver or purple but often was dark brown. She had a soft and a gentle voice. She sometimes had fairy and angelic wings. Her face came close to mine as time went on. Her chest or hips were never in great detail, they were there especially after puberty but never was the center of attention.
Personality wise she was, err, pretty much like me except my flaws and failings She was shy but also confident when she needed to, caring, gentle, witty, friendly, humble and very talented. Everything I wanted to become. She grew up with me, always around my age. When I was in puberty, I became self-aware of her lack of flaws and tried to make her more complex. Alas, all I could do was projecting some of my insecurities while staying absolutely pure overall.
What did she do? Well, everything really... She helped people, she saved the world. She was a benevolent ruler, a healer, a teacher, an artist, a mother, a warrior, a magician, a fairy... She was always the main character of my stories, went through whatever adventures I imagined at the moment.
When I came around the age of puberty, something became more and more common in my daydreams: Transformation scenes. Waiting in a cocoon and turning into a beautiful young woman with butterfly wings? Finding a magical artifact that makes you turn into  fairy? Becoming a magical girl? They were always the most fun day dreams I had by far.
There was often another character in these stories: A very non descriptive boy, in both appearance and personality that existed as a love interest for my dream girl. For a lot of years I thought I was that boy and the girl was my ideal girlfriend, even when the girl was always at the center of everything and I don't remember imagining elaborate romance. It was just that they were partners, because I guess she just needed a partner and I didn't know there was something else besides man-woman relationships.
Most of the stories were merely my daydreams, I barely actually sit down and wrote anything, I told no one before Spring 2017 and what I wrote was lost in old notebooks. But their memories are still vivid, more vivid than memories of most real life events, as if I personally lived through them.
In Spring of 2017, the things I have heard in Twitter really changed my mind. They all said "You can be girl if you want to!". At that point, I fully understood my interests were mostly feminine related, but being a woman? That sounded a little ridiculous, "I couldn't be a trans woman, I didn't have dysporia, I didn't hate myself, I wasn't crying about my appearance all the time, I didn't even desire a woman's body", I thought. But that encouragement broke through my resistance. I imagined myself as a woman every day and it felt, oddly familiar and comforting. Then, it finally hit me:
I was always doing this, the girl in my dreams was me. Everything started to make sense, just like young girls are writing fan fiction, I imagined myself as the perfect girl I wanted. But, thanks to the heteronormative society, I tricked myself to think her as my girlfriend. I always thought my dreams as something would eventually vanish, even when it became only stronger as my secondary sex characteristics got developed.
I also finally understand why I get worked so much on feminism, when everyone around my family and friends easily accepted the status quo. Trampling on women's rights, gender stereotypes always felt so unfair and seeing women be able to do what they want feels always so empowered, on a deeply personal level. It wasn't because I was supremely enlightened or I had a radical upbringing but because it felt important for the girl in my dreams a.k.a. for myself.
If cis heteronormative society wasn't so repressive, I could have discovered myself far sooner, like a lot of trans people. People are so alienated from their own emotions at a very little age. This is why media representation is so important. It was the magical girl shows that I was able to construct some sort of actual self. Imagine what can happen when children see actual trans people at an early age?

This article is written thanks to my dearest Patrons and special thanks to: Alexandra Morgan, Laura Watson and Spencer Gill.