Last September I announced that I was heading towards a much more productive path. It went nicely for two months. Then the stress accumulated from my parents’ relationship problems from last summer, coupled with the amount of weird waste of time errands I’ve been tasked with, combined this all together has completely destroyed my pace. I slipped back into old habits. Watching Youtube videos that don’t entertain me all that much, getting to bed and waking up late, feeling sleepy randomly during the day, not wanting to cook, not wanting to shower, not even playing any video games properly. I was even too much of a mess to upload cat pictures sometimes.
Perhaps most importantly, I have become more fragile. Sometimes even small inconveniences bring me to the verge of tears or plunge me to despair. Some bad words from others, dropping stuff onto the floor, slight delays, some leftover food turning rotten, waking up late, falling asleep during the day, seeing the bed untidy, things of that kind… Recently when I was cleaning the house, the vacuum cleaner’s lid was open and some dirty water spilled onto the carpet, which made me lie on a sofa for three hours thinking how much of a failure I am…
In a way it is a good analogy for my life.
Are these excuses for my deep fundamental laziness? Perhaps to some extent. But it is obvious, in this instance, I have some external reasons that keep me from doing things. To what extent does this play a factor is the question. I could always be more diligent, more disciplined, more patient. Nothing technically keeps me from having a regular sleep schedule, being attentive in school, having regular updates on the blog, studying Japanese or learning to cook better food. I don’t have any debilitating physical issues (sans my crippled hand and foot but they are not relevant here), I have pretty a good standard of living with a nice apartment that has good heating, adequate clothing, a variety of healthy food, constant Internet and good equipment, enough money to go around, and perhaps above all, still being able to study without worrying to much about a career. My complaints do sound like mere excuses, in the past I had this excuse, now I have that excuse… What about people with much more unstable lives, people in terrible jobs, people who live in war zones? What about their dreams? Most of them probably cling to their desires more than I have ever done!
Even writing this very article is excusing myself. Isn’t this a way to say “oh look at me, I am conscious about those who have worse than me, validate me, tell me how much you understand me,and let me linger on my pathetic existence” Even acknowledging this is a form of self-flattery isn’t it, like, really, sincerely, who cares about whether I am self-aware or not. Writing this means I am beautifying the ways I am allegedly suffering. Choosing words carefully, patting myself on the back when a sentence pleases me, why the heck is my mood so good when writing this? Is this catharsis or mere egotism? Maybe both?
But is this a rational way of thinking? Can I even judge what is rational or not? I fear that such an ability is above me, at least on this very matter.
I mean at the very least, the fact that people read what I write, some even directly telling me about liking it or even donating money to support it means that it is valued in some way, right? At some point my self-flagellation feels gravely disrespectful to those who believe in me. No, my significant others don’t just placate me when they praise me. It feels even more egotistical to say that everyone is either putting up a charade or falling for mine.
No, the simple truth is, whatever the reason, I am a failure to some extent. People see something in me but I am unable to live up to it. I dream a lot but don’t act enough.
But I am not a total failure.
I have friends. I have long ongoing relationships. I have been more attentive lately. I am able to get up early and get through the day without sleeping. During the last couple of months, I was still able to get progress in some projects. My recent leek dish was quite good. My love of computers and programming has increased, I am slowly becoming a full blown Linux person. I am keeping a diary and semi-reliably archive my thoughts, emotions, night dreams and habits with promising consistency. I have been getting back to studying Japanese too. The word game “Kotobade Asobou” and Duolingo have reactivated something in me. I have been doing pull-ups, I have found that it is a good way to clear my head and fight my worries, my weight has stalled, or is even, ever so slowly decreasing as of writing this. My Youtube relapse could have been so catastrophic, but the time-wasting errands paradoxically prevent it as much as it enables them. I am just too self-aware of watching stuff for the sake of it usually, and still don’t find much joy in most things I have been watching. Instead, I was able to watch a couple of movies, which might be a topic for later. Even various errands and chores aren’t always bad. There is nothing wrong with walking under clear, refreshing wind and I have discovered a domestic side of myself. As much as I have found easy to get desperate, recently I have found it to easier to bounce back too. And, for what it’s worth, even in my darkest moments, I have never contemplated escaping or finishing it all. I have never given up for good.
Things are getting better, maybe?
There wasn’t anything erratic from my parents’ side recently. I guess that helps a lot. Too much perhaps, I fear what will happen if things get heated again? Will my fledgling sleep schedule get reset in one stroke like that? But in a way, being anxious over that makes me more mentally prepared, however little.
But no, things are getting better because I am trying. What you will read might sound pathetic to you, but it was a true moment of change for me: For the last couple of weeks I was occupied with the game called Red Alert 3. (And its standalone expansion, Uprising) I played it way back in high school, but I was never really good at strategy games. The game has a mode called Commander’s Challenge, a series of loosely-ordered maps you are tasked to beat, unlocking more units as you do. Back then, it kicked my butt. But after playing the game with a friend, a voice in my head called for it. I felt as if the game challenged me personally.
Then I played it, and completed the mode, finishing the levels under par times too. Then went ahead and finished the campaigns on hard difficulty. It is not quite as impressive as it might sound, I have taken plenty of help from the Internet. But I have used my own tactics too, and the execution is still mine. Above all, I have proved something to myself. Mere days ago I was too washed up to even play video games. But now, something has awakened inside me yet again. And thanks to that, I am able to write this article, with remarkable speed too..
Obviously there are lots of areas to improve but it’s not all bad, right?
Perhaps the vacuum cleaner is a good analogy, the spilled water wasn’t an important problem and it didn’t affect the cleaning in the end. Just like that, despite relapses and setbacks I can get up. I might move slowly, I might need to get faster, I might stumble a lot, but I won't go back. I really don’t want to do that.
In September I announced a somewhat bold schedule, but was only able to deliver a single article. Now I am wary of actually promising anything. I have even delayed publishing this article for about a month, I didn’t want to give a false impression. But I truly want to write about something fun in the upcoming weeks. Otherwise the all-consuming void will return and now the void makes me irritated, because the time I spend crawling, mopping or walking around in cold sweat means even more wasted time. I also would like to keep a decent sleep schedule. Just like how not being able to continue anything makes it harder to return to productivity, when I get productive even a little in one area it just gets all that easier to start being productive in something else.
So, yes, I apologize for the umpteenth time for under-delivering. I draw great strength from all those who keep believing in me. I will fight harder. I can’t say “look forward” without feeling bad, but, just… don’t be surprised if I release an article about something besides my personal woes soon! I hope this isn’t worrying, I just don’t want to break promises. I am supposed to be deliver one honestly-in-most-respects a short article a month, and I should be able to do it, and I want to do it, not for merely clearing guilt, but because it will pleasure me.
If you decided to endure my rant and think you haven’t totally wasted your time, I am really grateful. Hopefully, see you later again!
This article is written thanks to my dearest Patrons, namely: Effy, Laura Watson, Makkovar, Morgan, Olympia, Otakundead, Sasha. Also thanks to Alex(@jyhadscientist on Twitter) for his perfect editing work.
