I want to talk about asexuality from based on my own experiences and listening to other people on the asexual spectrum. This is intended to questioning people as well as answer common misconceptions about so I see a QnA format as appropriate. I also won't mention aromantic-spectrum for the most part, because I don't want to speak over them but regardless some of the things I will say might be also accurate about them too. So, let's get started:
1. What is Asexuality?
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction towards other people, either fully or by partial degree. Therefore it is called asexual spectrum.
2. What is Sexual Attraction
This seems obvious but it's the tricky part. I can best describe it as: Total of positive feelings when you think of having sex with someone. This is not same as romance or even finding someone aesthetically beautiful
3. So, is it low libido?
No, sexual arousal is not same as sexual attraction. You can play with your sexual organ long enough and you will get aroused without thinking about anything. You can even get aroused when thinking about something irrelevant.
Asexual people too can get aroused and have sex drives without getting attracted to someone. You can think of it as a car with full gas tank but no driver. An allosexual person on the other hand can have low-libido, in this case it's a car with driver but no gas.
4. How fetishes and kinks play into this? If I have fetishes am I not asexual, despite the fact I am not really attracted to people?
Disparency between fetishes and sexual attraction is a very ace-spectrum thing. While kinks and fetishes are often manifest as particular high points of sexual attraction, it can also be something that helps to remove people from context while directing sex drive at somewhere. I am not knowledgable about fetish psychology as why they exist, but it's clear that people can get horny at very random things and remember being horny and sexual attraction are too seperate things.
In fact, this is a more common situation than people might think and confuse about. I am into macrophilia myself, so I know quite a lot about what people put on the internet. While macrophiliac content is sometimes erotic too but more often than not it doesn't have anything inherently sexual in it. Fetishes definitely don't have to be connected into the act of sex itself, so it's usually not that a lot of people want to have sex with an incredibly fat Sonic, the fetish in question is connected to person's sex drive.
Of course you can also enjoy kink activities in a non sexual way. For example, bondages might feel comforting and stimming while not inciting any sexual feelings in the slightest.
5. What is "allosexual"?
A person who feels full sexual attraction, i.e. a person who is not on the ace spectrum.
6. What is "ace"?
A short hand for asexual.
7. Can we say heterosexual people are asexual towards people with different people?
No. Asexuality is about an indifference or aversion towards to sex itself it is not about gender.
8. So, is it celibacy?
No. Celibacy is a lifestyle that is concerned with a deep commitment to not having sex. Asexuality is a fundamental identity and orientation, just like being gay. Celibacy is something you do, asexuality is something you are. In fact, there is actually very little reason why an ace person would ever be actively celibate, as they don't view sex like an allo person does, not to mention there are ace people who have sex for various reasons: Being low on spectrum, satisfying their partners, enjoying being intimate with their partners while not expressing sexual attraction etc.
A good analogy would be being vegan vs. herbivores. Being vegan is a lifestyle and humans don't become herbivores by going vegan. It doesn't make sense to call herbivores vegan as they don't make an active choice, they are just herbivores. And if they eat meat for some reason, they don't stop being herbivores. (It happens, look up to it)
Remember, asexuality isn't "not having sex". Not having sex, having low libido etc. usually just comes with package.
9. But I really saw some ace people are attracted towards people?
Yes. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction is different. Someone can be asexual and still can feel romance, for example you can be an asexual and still be homoromantic. This difference can exist in allo people too. For example you can be bisexual but only feel romance towards your own gender as well.
Or the second alternative is, the asexual person in question is indeed sexually attracted to someone.
10. But you said ace people don't ever sexually attracted to someone?
I also said it's on a spectrum. There are people who only feel sexual attraction on certain occasions or conditions. This is called gray asexuality. Gray-ace people also have a gender preference like allo people. For example a homosexual gray-sexual person would be called gray-homesexual for short. Of course, important thing to remember here, grey-sexuality is too fundamentally different from allo-sexuality. Also, a phrase like heterosexual asexual doesn't make sense, it's either grey-sexual or the person is near end of spectrum in this case just ace. Ace-spectrum is not a trivial identity.
Grey-asexuality is an a little muddled area. Many people who pick that word aren't sure what is the conditions that trigger their sexuality, or sometimes whether they are really asexual. Grey-asexuality is not like just picking people by appearance, allo people aren't attracted to every person. Rather, gray-ace people might have
- Have some condition to break their aversion to sex
- Sexual attraction might happen on a thought-level, but actual act of sex is still feel null.
- Unexplained sex drive that is not really targeted to any person or targeted to some kind of specific acts, situations or time, such as I explained in question 4#
11. What are the some signs of being on ace spectrum?
- Not being excited at the thought of sex with most people
- Getting revolted towards sex and sexual imagery
- Complete indifference towards sex and sexual imagery
- Getting confused anout your attraction but not really want to have sex in any way
- Rarely or never fantasizing about sex
- When fantasizing about sex, not thinking yourself as having sex but watching yourself as if you watch porn
- Or when you about fantasize sex, but actual details are muddy or often omitted out.
- Feeling weird when you think about sex extensively.
- Sexual organs feeling alien or thinking about sex only in a very technical sense "Sex is just people rubbing their meat to each other, also they get sweat and release sexual liquids, I don't know what's the big deal?"
- Getting really confused about your sex drive, don't really know why you are horny.
- Not having any desire to sex with your partner, even if you really like them romantically.
- Or having desire of sex with only and only with your romantic partners and people who you are really close with.
We can talk more about it if you want, I'd be happy to offer support. You can also find support from asexual forums too. But it is ultimately something you have to find out.
13. What if I am wrong?
It is completely okay.. You are not deceiving someone. Questioning doesn't have to end in one way. Quite the opposite, experimenting with labels is an important part of finding about who you really are.
14. I am still really confused about this attraction stuff but I am cold towards sex because of one reason or another. I am still not sure I am really an asexual.
This is completely okay too! If you think this term is suitable for you, go for it. You don't need to be able to identify your feelings and define yourself perfectly. Labels should bend to people, not the other way around. Once again, it is okay to change your opinion too.
15. But I won't be able to find relationships if I am openly asexual?
That's not true! Asexuality doesn't bring any limitation to have romantic or platonic relationships! And of course, you won't get less asexual if you have sex as a method of getting intimate, and you might can even desire to actively pursuit it in your relationships.
However, like all sexual orientations asexuality will of course affect who you can have a relationship with. While people are often allosexual and give sex a great importance in their relationships, there are a lot of wonderful asexual people out there, allo people are sometimes can be cool with partners on ace-spectrum too.
Of course, your existing partner(s) also should respect that,you have no obligation to roll over or hide your identity for other people's pleasure, you are not guilty nor inadequate person for being asexual.
16. I heard the term "aphobia" or "acemisia" what does that mean?
Acemisia(-misia is a suffix meaning of hatred) or aphobia(-phobia suffix has ableist implications and more close to fear than hatred, so some people don't use this) or anti-ace bigotry as I will call in this article is hatred and enmity towards asexuality. This can come in the form of casual bigotry, dismissal, repression and abuse.
17. LOL What are you talking about, ace people don't have these problems
Exactly. Most of the problems ace people face comes from how unknown our identity is. A lot of people never even heard about asexuality, significant amount of people who heard about it thinks it is "not having sex" and people who are middle in spectrum is laughed at for being "Tumblr stuff".
Patriarchal societies are obsessed with sex. Sex is not an activity that is performed for its own sake. Sex is a tool for political motivations, having sex right the way patriarchy benefits earns you respect, having sex in the way patriarchy doesn't want earns you disrespect, freely asserting your sexuality as a woman, having gay sex or not having sex at all. If you flat-out don't have sex for one reason or another you will get: (content warning for rape ahead)
- Ridicule: Ever heard "virgin" or f-slur as an insult?
- Scorn: Not completing your sexual duties makes someone less worthy, especially women. This increases in magnitude as familial expectations increases
- Active danger: Rejecting sex in the wrong place will get you raped, often for changing someone's sexuality - known as corrective rape - Or you might even get killed.
Invisibility is so harmful because asexuality is viewed as trivial, a momentary mood, something can get people "get over with" right person or method - hence corrective rape - and should "get over with", so "they can be like other people", fitting to their patriarchal roles better. This is pretty similar to what gay people go through except people can say stuff like that about ace people without serious pushback from public.
Of course people often don't inherently hate ace people, it's understandable to some degree that allo people see sex as very important, but they need to understand this is just not the case for some people and people can even get repulsed by that.
18. What can be done for ace people's problems?
- Taking asexuality seriously. This sounds so simple but it really is crux of the most problems of ace people. Asexuality is just a type of sexual orientation, just like being gay or pan. Ace people should be listened, not shouted at them with oh so funny phrases like "LOL THEY JUST WANT TO BE OPPRESSED SO MUCH". When ace people will get taken seriously enough, they can be visible much easily.
- Creating ace spaces in LGBT communities. This is much related to first but deserves to be mentioned because unfortunately some of the most hostility ace people face comes from all LGBT people who wants to exclude them from community. But a friendly and open community makes so much difference, something personally I can attest.
- More representation in fiction. Obviously seeing people like you and people who enter relationships like you will help ace people to discover themselves better and normalize asexuality in society.
- Ending omnipresence of sex should be pressed even more as a goal of ending patriarchy: Sex should be liberated from being an oppresive tool of enforcing cisheteronormitivity and be an action of enjoyment and intimacy between people, not as one of central importance but just equally option among other activities. For this purpose everything that does not have an inherent sexual nature -really most things- should be desexualized as much as possible, for example, nudity. This will not only incredibly help ace people, but allo people too. Everyone deserves to be able to choose engaging in sexual content at their enthusiastic consent, but in a self-obsessed society this is hardly an option. Not the mention, the rampant fetishization of certain appearances, cultural icons, clothes, activities, groups, sexualities, transness etc. harms really everyone. Don't confuse this with anti-sex positions which aim to making sex invisible, my desire is to make non-sex visible instead.
No results from "cishet aces" found. You might be referring to:
- Cis heteroromantic ace people.
- Cis grey-heterosexual people.
- Cis asexuals who are near end of spectrum, "heterosexual" isn't accurate for them.
Of course I assumed this argument was made in good faith. From my experience, "cishet aces" are mostly used as a smokescreen for trivalizing ace identity all together in a way that would be acceptable to other LGBT+ people. You see, by saying "Sure trans/gay ace people are LGBT but" they mean asexuality is not to be taken seriously, exactly same as "celibacy argument" really.
But the infuriating part is they say this to the face of trans/non-heteromantic/non-gray heterosexual ace people. They don't actually talk with cis heteromantic or grey-sexual people. Can you think the reason why? Maybe it's because LGBT spaces do help ace people to find themselves well and ace people indeed face problems among cis people. Ironic isn't it?
20. Ace people are not killed like LGBT people/ They are just looking to be oppressed LOL (they are not oppressed enough)
- First of all, congratulations! You are using the same arguments reactionaries use against LGBT people in the West?
- Who decides how much oppression is enough? Is our goal to eliminate them or using them to give them in some sort of weird hierarchy? Would you consider your standard for rich white cis gay men living in west too? Everyone would agree that black trans women face far more dire problems, yet we still wouldn't say white gay men aren't LGBT, no? One's oppression does not cancel other's.
- Of course they are always people who would use their identity to earn social capital, but ace people at large do not imply they are as oppressed as other LGBT groups. All we want is acknowledgment of our identity and problems.
- Is your idea of "LGBT+ liberation" really ends at not being killed? Really?
- Once upon a time, I myself thought being openly demi would be quite easy, especially in LGBT+ circles I am in. Often, it was too, but it genuinely shocked me that so many people showed a such a strong resistance at mere idea someone not having sex is a big part of sexual identity. Being openly ace long enough indeed shows you some people really don't like it when you show aversion to sex.
- I apologise for doing this, I really don't like to use my own identity as an argument. But the question acts a part of myself is somehow in conflict with a different part of myself, so it leaves me with no choice: I am a neurodivergent closeted trans lesbian, living in a conservative country like Turkey. If I come out to my parents, I can enter into serious security and financial risks, also transition process is difficult here. I am WELL AWARE that my problems as an ace person isn't nearly as severe as this. And I AM DEFINITELY NOT looking to be oppressed, I can assure you. wholeheartedly. The question is just really another "lol tumblr-opression" thing, you think it's a clever point but all you are actually doing is literally roll over all the other trans/non-homoromantic ace people really.
This is like saying "Bisexual people hearing homomisic slurs isn't bimisia" or "Men trying to 'convince' lesbians is not homomisia" When specific groups face specific problems we give it a name, otherwise we would just call it "bad things"
It's really weird to think that oppression happens when oppressors look up a table of identities and decide "I will oppress this identity" instead of one's identity colliding with patriarchal norms and expectations, as if erasure of an identity isn't a vital part of their oppression.
The comparison with bisexuality especially becomes here, because did you ever see someone saying things like "Bisexual people are a menace?" Well no, by being openly bisexual, they reject patriarchal duties. they get grouped in "being a [insert slur]". And by this reason, some gay people indeed thought bi-people are only relevant when they are in same gender relationships and they "betray the community" otherwise.
Also, what is "rape culture?" It means a society which won't respect one's rejection of sex. What makes you think that such a society is totally cool when you reject sex categorically.
22. Ace people can just stop experience oppression if they don't call themselves that.
"Bisexual people can just have heterosexual relationships and not experience oppression and have hetero privilege"
"Gay people can just don't have gay relationships and not experience oppression"
"Trans people can just be in closet and not experience oppression, thus trans people aren't really oppressed."
What an argument, wow... People really throw around the word "privilege" around lightly, aren't they? How ironic, considering the question thinks ace people are just making up oppression. Explaining the entire concept of oppression it's too much for this article (as in invisibility is in fact a core problem) and it's clear it's asked in bad faith, so I won't even entertain the question in that way as it mirrors the logic of question 21#
23. Ace people do face problems, but they should have separate spaces and not called LGBT.
Why? Are we going to run out of resources to help LGBT people? If someone really gets in trouble for being ace who can they turn for help, cishet people, really? Again, I advise you to read the article again, ace people are not a part of the cishet culture. No one is invading LGBT+ spaces, chill out, same scare tactics were done to bisexual people in the past. Turns out people don't ruin things by "hetero privilege". Also, I would really appreciate if LGBT+ spaces slowed down on sex a little, you are naive or dishonest if you think we don't have any boundary problems, by all means asexuals should be louder in LGBT+ communities.
I am LGBT+ in three angles. I am trans, I am lesbian and I am asexual. Implying one of those parts is not inherently LGBT invalidates me, this is not a semantic disagreement, sorry, you are just trivalizing the ace identity. When ace people say they are part of LGBT+, it means: "We want to build an alliance with people who recognise similarities in our struggles." and not: "Please, please accept us as one of you and let us enter your secret clubs." I advise refraining from assigning yourself such a high degree of importance. If you don't feel any solidarity with me, I can't force any of you to feel so. Ace people will just continue with their LGBT+ siblings who supports them.
24. Ace people might take up LGBT resources?
It's a mythical problem as no one answered the question of "What resources?"
-If an ace person gets homeless or faces abuse do they not deserve shelter?
-If we talk about ace people in a panel, will we run on out of time to talk about other things?
-Do people fear LGBT marches will be too crowded if we include ace people in it?
This is just another thing that shows "Cishet aces aren't LGBT but non-cishet aces are" is a meaningless platitude only exists to invalidate asexuality, because "taking up resources" basically means "your problems aren' relevant."
25. Ace people are really cool actually?
Of course, ace people really cool, thank you for saying that.
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Epilogue
E-1) Why you didn't use the word queer?Because some people don't like the word and I wanted this article to reach out as many people as possible, so I played safe. Otherwise I like the word queer a lot. It's a very queer word. I am queer.
E-2) Will you add more questions in the future?
Possibly but I think I already answered all the major arguements, most questions or rebuttals are just different wordings of these ones.
E-3)Do you now any other sources I can read about asexuality?
r/asexuality: I am not too much of a Reddit person, so I can't guarantee you that it's a wonderful place but their FAQ is good.
Asexual wiki: It's especially good for learning about different identities on ace-spectrums.
This tumblr page: Really goes into detail about ace oppression
E-4) Wow, this is a long article!
Yes, it is. I hope it's worth the effort!
E-5)Are you feeling tired?
Yes, in fact it will probably be the longest article I have ever written, but I like writing so it's ok.
E-6)Do you really like talking to yourself like this, don't you?
I really like QnA format a lot actually. I should use it more, it's fun!
E-7)Did you copied this format from somewhere, admit it!
Well.. I mean it's not exactly a unique format but... Yes I am influenced from MrBTounge here. He is really good, go watch him.
E-8)Do you think this is funny?
Do you think this is a game? I would go to my death THIS INSTANT for the articles I swore to write. Explain me your values. Now.
E-9)Ok, you need to really stop now
Fiiine, you boring hypothetical person. But if you want to ask me more, you can find me on Twitter, I am open to DMs and often available between: 11:00-23:00 GMT+3
E-10)Any last words?
Being ace is valid.
Being ace is not shameful.
Being ace is beautiful.
Your problems are valid.
I love you.
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Change Log
15.03.2018: Question 4# and 14# was added and question 11# is updated.16.03.2018: Change log added, minor changes in question 8#, question 16# and question 21#.
21.03.2018: Question 24# is added.
16.05.2018: Some spelling and grammar errors fixed.
17.09.2018: Question 22# slightly revised, question 23# expanded.
14:10.2018. Some minor additions, question 20# and 21# are expanded.
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