Daydreams or Daily Nightmares?

Content Warning: Suicide mention
High school days... dreamy, busy, melancholic. Go to school everyday. Do homework. Worry about exams. Worry about your body. Daydreaming from childhood days continues with higher intensity. Ideas about the world starts to formulate. All dreams, non-existent history knowledge, aesthetics over actual concerns. Would be amazing if a benevolent leader ruled over us, yes? Yes...
University... A return to shell... isolated from most people,  including yourself. Starting to learning about world, the history, the people. Contemplating, devising, dreaming. Always knew the world isn't nice, but now old shames, ancient monstrosities, persistent evils have revealed themselves. Why they have to exist? Why we just don't get along fine? And the world is on progress, despite many attempts to stop this. In time, all injustices will be swept away and we can live in an egalitarian society just like humanity always deserves. But.. what to do? More healthcare, balance income with taxes, regulate the economy, more secularism, equal rights to all. An army dedicated to defence. A truly democratic, pacifist state.
Some more years pass... Should you vote? But the more you look into things, parties look more alike. Corrupt, false promises, only care about staying in power... Even their rhetoric gets similar to each other... No-one cares about your values, no-one brings up everyday's people's issues. All of them lie, in fact.. the nation itself lies. You knew the imperialist powers of the world... how bloodthirsty, genocidal they were, and still bring only misery everywhere they go. But you believed for long that your nation was not one of them. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't one of those nations. Your ancestors didn't attack innocent people for no reason... All of the knowledge is wrong. The old history books, the flag that you felt cozy about now are as cold as death. War, my god why so many wars? Why your own state oppresses its own people so much? An answer, you need an answer...
Four years end. You are now supposed to graduate. Some of your dreams have fallen apart. You wanted to make video games, to be able to touch people's hearts, just like the ones you played. But all the voice you hear is different: Enter in a bank, start in professional life. Carrier, social climbing, project managers. ...Software is soulless. What does this really do besides making money to someone else? Other jobs pay too low, or require you to have the experience you don't have... Hate all of this... You always wanted to create, make people happy. Never wanted to be rich, just make a living and do whatever makes you happy... some nice house, food on table, don't like cars, enough to buy some video games and books. Maybe would go aboard, like Japan. Marriage, marriage would be so nice, but it is so impossible?.. No one would like a ghoul like you... but it is fine. This, this job thing, this professional life is not. Ties, suits, that adult-men shoes?.. No way... I am not that person... I like my daydreams
Twitter, you have friends there. Now nice, some real interaction, with people after a long time. They speak differently, so differently, but yet so same. Your old truths, old dreams fall apart but the older truths and dreams resurface. The world needs to change, deeply. No borders, no power to bigotry, no more poverty, hunger, homelessness. No more selfish destruction of environment. Somehow, you always you knew this, but now you truly realise how deeply unjust everything it is.  All sources of domination must be dismantled. No more class society, no patriarchy, no hatred of LGBT people, no racism. Produce according to the need, not profit. Care of all. No more nukes, no more millions of deaths, no child will be a victim of war. No worry of your future, Pursue your dreams. Yeah, communism, perhaps something you always wanted. But now you know it, no political party, no benevolent leader, no supernatural being can provide it for you. People must do it for themselves.
Learn... you learn more, but not usually for the good. People rose so many times and it failed just as much. Things are going worse. Fascism is on the rise, bunch of rich people will burn the world, even when people get a little breather, it gets all rolled back. It's all personal too. You just want to dress like yourself, get a simple medicine. Just want to be a girl... Why people hate this so much? Why such basic, miniscule desires get so much pushback? Your friends get affected by it too... They need money, they are not safe, they suffer for being themselves, misery of oppressed people's continue as harsh as ever.
And you can't do anything about it! Can't defend anyone, not even yourself. Can't pick a  gun, your body does not allow it. Cannot join anything without being a burden or sacrificing yourself for nothing. You don't have plans to help, you don't have words to inspire. You can't even send a penny to your friends. Cannot even achieve your dreams... Too lazy, to inadequate... It all seems so distant, so impossible... You won't be able to hold the hand of your darling. You will wither here, in the closet, in a soulless job. You can't even properly leave this word bravely. That's what you deserve. Mere empty daydreams.. Perhaps you should despair,what can else you do? Even an artificial bliss before apocalypse is impossible. You know too much. You can't go back to a day where you only worried about the grades. So despair, hopelessness its the only rational thing... Everything will get worse and worse... and you can't do anything about it... trapped forever in misery...
No!
Pessimism is for the privileged. People are fighting their lives, for survival... always... continuously. Why they don't constantly despair? Perhaps they can't... Perhaps the momentary smile, the momentary happiness is all the have. They don't have an apocalypse they can passively wait. For some people, it's already there, everywhere... Yet still they cling to life, they still fight for their smiles, their dreams, a better future. And that fight is in many forms. sometimes being bravely yourself, being able to be happy is a fight in itself. They exist, and their existence matters to other people.
Maybe, my existence matters too? People say they enjoy reading what I write. Some people see me as a friend, some people say they find me cute, they love me. I am bad at many things, but I am getting better, steadily. I can be more useful. I can't save the world, but I can make people happy! One day, I will help people's dreams. I will make people smile. I will make people safer. How many people, probably not much, but even one person feeling better matters... I will make my own dreams come true too... I will see my darlings' eyes, I will feel their lips, I will wear nice clothes...
I don't have the privilege to despair, I can't rot away with my daydreams. No, my daydreams will be my torch. They won't isolate me from the world, they will connect  me to it. I will try my best, because I care, because the world that hates me certainly won't, because there are those who care about me, because I can't allow the evil world total victory over me. Things might be heavy, retreats are allowed, but I will carry the light for all who cares about me, because if I am good at one thing, it's carrying optimism. Perhaps some naivety, but mostly hope. Hope, not because good things will magically happen, hope because it's the magic that makes things happen. Hope, because we deserve better...

This article is written thanks to my dearest Patrons and special thanks to: Acelin, Alexandra Morgan, Laura Watson, MasterofCubes, Maciej Paszkowski, Otakundead and Spencer Gill.