I have walked a lot. In the dark and alone. Other friends came and went, none left me with a broken heart, they were good company while we were together. Alas, one by one, either they all left forever or our encounters became scarce. In the end, only darkness and solitude have been my real friends. Where lights fade, my dreams becomes much brighter. When the noise ceases, I can listen the hymn of my thoughts. When darkness grows, the dim light emanating from my heart gets freed from the tyranny of bright lights, allowing to find my way.
As my walk continued however, a void appeared in my heart. A growing, cold void that devours my soul slowly and weakening the light in my heart, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland; no colors, no ambitions, no desires, no joy, no awareness and interest in passing time or continuous birth and death of the world. Yet, the void felt as not an intruder at first, I welcomed it as a part of me. Because it wasn't a void after all, it was the darkness itself leaking into my body like a black ink. And what was warmer to me than darkness, where everything was safe, simple, sincere?
But the darkness didn't stop, he light in my heart became weaker and weaker, I felt more like a husk each passing day; forgetting myself in consuming media, in daily routines of life, in the busy work and menial tasks suppressed the feeling very long time, but I have always returned to darkness eventually, the very darkness that protected my light was now the one devouring it, but I didn't have much of a choice; either I'd turn away from darkness and stopped any attention to my dreams or let darkness swallow me whole and completely stop any attachment to the outside world .
Both choices led me to same thing: Slowly turning into a mechanical creature each passing day, only getting any real feeling momentarily, no difference to someone who sees me to outside. In the end, I chose neither. I watched my dreams slipping away from my hands, my friends and family becoming strangers to me, slowly becoming more invisible by bright lights and getting drowned in the darkness at the same time.
With the last remaining power in my heart, I searched for an alternative. A new road, an exit or even a place to stop and relax. A web of myriad of different of roads, millions of dim and bright light sources being in constant motion. It was different from encountering other people in my usual road. I felt like I had some agency in whom I spend time there, it provided me with libraries worth of knowledge. Eventually, I have found a forest.
A joyful forest, filled with blue birds flying and singing with each other. A sorrowful forest, haunted with wails of the wronged and screams of the helpless. A serene forest, where you can just watch lights in forest dancing with each other. A savage forest, hosting dangerous monsters who kills helpless victims and each other alike. An exciting forest, filled with unseen wonders, untouched treasures and unheard legends. A scary forest, making one lose their sense of way and can even break minds and hearts.
I walked deep into the forest, welcoming all the feelings I have to face. In the beginning I didn't do anything but walk aimlessly, just hearing sounds and watching the lights, not getting closer to anything. After a while however, my dim light became slightly brighter, as if it became desperate to show me something. I started to follow my light, whenever I had to choose a way, I choose left and my light became a little brighter every time.
I have reached to a rainbow bridge. After I crossed the bridge, I have found myself surrounded with pink, blue and white flowers. Near them, trees of all colors stood leaning each other, none of them looking straight. A pleasant smell dominated the air. It awoke the feelings of love, loyalty and lust. I strolled in the flower path with great pleasure, I felt so light and free az if I became one with the breeze.
I saw a group of people. They were singing and listening each other, some of them were crying on other's soldiers, some of them were cuddling, others induced in lewder acts. They all wore fabulous clothes and looked stunning but few of them would admit that. One of their favourite hobbies was giving and receiving endless compliments to each other. Other times they all taught each other something; sometimes a secret of life, sometimes their arts or crafts, sometimes each other's ideas and dreams, sometimes funny jokes and anecdotes. Their lights didn't compete with each other, they were all different and formed myriad with colors each other.
I watched them from apart for a while, I wanted to join them, but I was too shy. Thankfully they saw me instead and invited me among them, greeting me with warm smiles despite me being a complete stranger. They embraced me so quickly, treated me like I was their friend for ages, even told me that I am cute! I assumed it was just good gesture, but so numerous was their praises and delighted they sounded while speaking, I could do nothing but trust them, indeed at times I myself felt cute among them. Among so many colors, being exposed the pleasant wind, getting showered with endless compassion, darkness left my heart and disturbed me no more. It's not that I didn't face the darkness anymore but it wasn't for escaping to my dreams rather to rest from the amaze and wonder I am having during a day.
There was one among them that looked so different. It wasn't that the person wasn't lovely, cute, charming, warm and understanding. In fact, the first thing I saw was how they were so superior in this abilities, the light in their heart looked strong and warm. But they looked somewhat reserved always, and retreated themselves to behind a wall of ice, looking sad. Yet, I couldn't help but attracted them more and more everyday. So one day, I went to the ice wall they were sitting behind and stood at their presence. We talked to each other. For days The more I talked, the more I attracted to them. The ice wall slowly melted away and disappeared and the person stood up in their full glory.
The thing I saw was pure magic, that would only belong to myths and stories. A magical girl, a fairy was looking at me, with her dazzling blond hair and conquering but humble icy eyes. She stood tall in front of me and gave me a smile. It was the warmest smile I have ever seen in my life; so lovely, endearing, cute that I was definitely sure that she put a charm on me, I was completely under her control. I have felt like all the memory of the old dark road has been vanished, it is as if the light of my heart had been never dim, all my dreams had been replaced by her and her alone. Then she talked to me but I was charmed too much to understand entirely, her words rather felt like the most pleasing, the most serene, the most innocent melody I have ever listened. She pointed me at a mirror, offered me to walked together to it. She told me it was this mirror who had shown her who she really was, so she wanted me to look at it as well.
I saw a familiar face, not mine though, but I remembered it from my dreams. She was the girlfriend of my dreams... But why was she here? I was confused and look at the Ms. Fairy, she just nodded at me confidently. Is she was the image of myself all along? Do I wanted to be girl all along?... No, I was always a girl, just like the ice fairy near me, even though I didn't certainly look that way. Ms. Fairy felt similar about herself, she had always dreamt of beautiful wings that she didn't have yet and that's mostly why she sat alone in sorrow and despair so often.
I didn't feel desperate however, quite the opposite I was stronger than ever before. My light was at the brightest, dancing with the ice fairy's beautiful light in perfect harmony and excitement. I looked at her face and with mustering all the confidence I could had, I spoke at her:
"The Beautiful Shy Girl From A Romance Story, The Conqueror of My Heart, My Dearest Friend, The Warm Sunlight of My Winter, The Flower of My Spring, The Starlight of My Summer, The Cold Breeze of My Autumn, The One Who Showed Me My True Self, you will have your wings and bestow the skies with your grace. I will be cute enough to be worthy enough to stand near you. Your smile is the best gift I have received from God. From now on I will do everything so you can smile more. Your happiness and your comfort is my greatest concern of my life. I will be your handkerchief for your tears, a warm blanket you can cuddle, a soft pillow you can sleep on, a toy to absolve your rage, an ear to listen your worries, a hand that comforts you when you are sad, a shield to stand for you when you feel weak, a spear to all who dare to harm you, a maid that will be at your service, a sister that will listen your dirtiest secrets, a friend that will keep you in good company, a lover who can make your heart tingling. I just want to share the road with you, walk together and see you smile more."
The Fairy looked at me excited. Then she smiled warmly again and told me:
"You already make my heart tingling darling. Yes, I want to walk the road together with you. I love you! I love you so much! I'll give you my smile if you can share me yours, My Dearest."
We hugged each other for a long time, told each other more stories about ourselves and watched the sun rising together. Ms. Fairy took a yawn and said. "I need to sleep now, can I sleep on your lap?"
I said "Yes, of course!" enthusiastically.
She laid down and looked at me with her enchanted eyes: "Good night dear..." She close her eyes peacefully. I gently leaned towards her face and whispered:
"Sweet dreams, Morgan."
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