Especially when you are like me who can spend hours fixating on one thing, waiting some other thing to happen, having ample time but no motivation so you end up doing nothing, having too little time to focus, distracted by unimportant things.
Once upon a time, I even tried living according to a program folks, but it doesn't give stellar results. Not only it is not very doable when I am living with my parents, also my habit of doing things at an impulse always gets the upper hand. It always felt more right when I isolated myself from the environment and fixating on one stuff for hours: writing, games, anime, researching trivia about content i like, reading, even day-dreaming. It always feels more fulfilling when I have no obligation, as if I can just lose myself on a dreamland. (the name of the blog becomes much more appropriate) Quality of my outputs tends to be higher too.
But, that's a luxury I can't always have right? I remember the state of my blog in Autumn 2017, I was barely putting one article every month. Granted, I didn't have the resolution I have now, but just depending on my impulses clearly drags me down. Of course, laziness is not a vice nor being productive is a virtue but this is about my own dreams. There are so many things to do. I want to learn writing better, programming, Japanese, cooking, history, philosophy, maybe even drawing , animation playing violin. I want to be able to live abroad, I want to learn how to dress cute, do make up. I want to do voice therapy. I want to spend more time for people who are precious to me. I just want to shave regularly. I most likely want too many things, especially when I lack the resolution for doing so or feel too mediocre to accomplish anything I hold dear. Yet, I am not lying to myself about my desires, I genuinely want all these. I am just not proactive enough, my time and my youth is slipping away from my hands. I tried to find a particular culprit here, but my mind will get attached to anything when it does not want to be productive.
Still, I can't just do most things purely for their utility value. I can... but it always feels crushing to do so. No doubt, this will come off as pompous to some people, because what I am talking about is just a harsh reality many people can't escape under capitalism. But, that's just who I am. Believe me, I pretended otherwise long enough. Anything I studied out of pure necessity left no trace in my brain, any project under pure obligation didn't have any scent of my soul. I am just too autistic to do otherwise, when something does not click, it just doesn't click.
So, what I am exactly trying to accomplish here, writing this in a middle of the night? Well venting is good for one, and if you are in a similar situation to me, maybe knowing you are not alone will make you feel better, however slightly it might be. This also serves as a longer and more elaborate "I can't write as efficiently right now, there were too many things on my mind, my nerdiness got the best of me, and I felt somewhat tired in general. I apologize for my nonsense." post. But I don't like ending my works on a sour note, so I'll let you know this is not something you cannot escape.
The most visible change came to my life when I started to write semi-regularly and seriously around February 2018. I tried to slowly instill myself some kind of discipline and even sometimes it fails, it generally works. I couldn't imagine myself doing something like this one year ago. I am actually doing something I enjoy, even moment-to-moment writing is not always engaging. I am slowly improving at writings and most importantly people actually read this and even tell me they like what I write.
This isn't enough though. I know I can't and shouldn't fight against my autistic tendencies and impulse will be always integral to me, but I also know I can direct them into something I want. It's not very easy, but this isn't an excuse. I didn't write this for self-pity. I can do this. You can do this. We can do this
This article is written thanks to my dearest Patrons and special thanks to: Alexandra Morgan, Laura Watson and Spencer Gill.
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